Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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