Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
