My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
