More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
