life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
