Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
