I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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