Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
