is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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