i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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