you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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