glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
