I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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