I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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