I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
