Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
third nipple confirmed
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
