yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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