i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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