can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
