There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
