I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Fuck appropriateness.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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