He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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