she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
