11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
