drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
