Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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