Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
