I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
