And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
