After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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