You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
