why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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