i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
