I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
