About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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