Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
