I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Farmville is her only friend.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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