It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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