i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
