I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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