I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
