If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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