I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
