please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
