Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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