The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I enjoy the company of your penis
So apparently I’m into choking now
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