We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
