Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
