The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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