Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
