wrigley field is MILF paradise
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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