i wish my penis had a tongue
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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