i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
did i walk over a car last night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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