his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
