There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
