I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
