At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
